The Bat Story

OK, so this was funnier when it happened, but I said I’d tell you about it so here goes.

Our house (the one BH built and that I just moved to) is out in the country. That’s one of the reasons I like it. But if you live in the country, you have to deal with critters.

I am not fond of critters. In fact, I am a big scaredy-pants weenie.

So a week after I moved in, we had a Critter Incident. Here’s the scene: BH, me, and a couple of the kids (J and C) are hanging out in the living room, watching a movie. 9:30 pm. Stef calls my cell and I go into BH’s office to take the call. Then J shrieks, in a very musical way. A bat had swooped down to watch the movie, too. We’d had doors and windows open while we moved all my junk in, and he took advantage of the situation. (I bet he doesn’t have cable where he lives.)

So J continues to shriek. She shrinks herself into a tiny ball and hides under the couch cushions. C yells, but he is 13, and 13-year-olds are adventurous and bloodthirsty. He wants to be in on the hunt. BH dashes to the basement and comes up holding an ancient (at least 50 years old) tennis racket. He finally yells, “Honey, where are you?”

I was under the desk. Desks provide excellent shelter in bat emergencies. I was also still on the phone with Stef, who was amused by all the shrieking and shouting she could hear.

The bat lured the boys upstairs. C suggested that he try and shoot in with his bow and arrow. We all voted no.

Stef and I finished our conversation. I emerged from under the desk, terrified, but wicked curious. I saw the bat swoop by. I swear its wingspan was five and a half feet. The rest of the family claims it was closer to five and a half inches, but what do they know?

There was much thumping, shouting, and leaping upstairs, where the boys were trying to subdue the bat. Much shrieking and yelling, too.

At this point the bat was thinking, “All this trouble just to watch cable. I should sign up for Dish Network and be done with it. Maybe I’ll get that Tivo thing, too.”

At this point I was wearing a large wicker basket on my head. Wicker baskets are incredibly useful things. I think I shall write a poem that sings the praises of good-sized baskets. The handle looped down under my chin. It was cute.

The bat was subdued by a lovely forehand shot of the tennis racket (it almost landed on C’s head) and dispatched out of doors. Just to be sure, I kept the basket on my head for the rest of the movie. The family ignored me, but I could tell they all secretly wanted their own Anti-Bat Protection Baskets.

We haven’t had any other critters visit, but just in case I have positioned baskets at strategic intersections throughout the house. I suggested that we make tennis rackets an important part of our interior design plan and hang one in every room. The family voted me down.

That is my bat story.

51 Replies to “The Bat Story”

  1. I can’t imagine it much funnier in person.

    THIS big scaredy-pants weenie thinks being under the desk was a very good idea. Where I am I have to deal with rats, lots of rats that squeal as they do their nightly marathon race across the fence line. And spiders, big, huge black scary spiders that ONLY appear when I am up at 5am and my husband is not and then they go hide under the piles of papers until I lift the papers, scream and then they they go hide under the buffet until said husband gets up and moves the furniture and kills them all. Sigh.

  2. I can’t imagine it much funnier in person.

    THIS big scaredy-pants weenie thinks being under the desk was a very good idea. Where I am I have to deal with rats, lots of rats that squeal as they do their nightly marathon race across the fence line. And spiders, big, huge black scary spiders that ONLY appear when I am up at 5am and my husband is not and then they go hide under the piles of papers until I lift the papers, scream and then they they go hide under the buffet until said husband gets up and moves the furniture and kills them all. Sigh.

  3. I can’t imagine it much funnier in person.

    THIS big scaredy-pants weenie thinks being under the desk was a very good idea. Where I am I have to deal with rats, lots of rats that squeal as they do their nightly marathon race across the fence line. And spiders, big, huge black scary spiders that ONLY appear when I am up at 5am and my husband is not and then they go hide under the piles of papers until I lift the papers, scream and then they they go hide under the buffet until said husband gets up and moves the furniture and kills them all. Sigh.

  4. Little Bat

    Sounds like Diane Mayr’s Little Bat’s Halloween, when the bat flies down in the library to listen and see the books at storyhour. Ha!
    We are dealing with field mice, out in Hillsdale NY. So tiny, but I imagine them climbing on my face in the middle of the night. I’m here for a week, and getting used to all the critters. Not like my MA suburbia….Saw a huge groundhog running along the side of the road in the bicycle lane today. Insane!

  5. Little Bat

    Sounds like Diane Mayr’s Little Bat’s Halloween, when the bat flies down in the library to listen and see the books at storyhour. Ha!
    We are dealing with field mice, out in Hillsdale NY. So tiny, but I imagine them climbing on my face in the middle of the night. I’m here for a week, and getting used to all the critters. Not like my MA suburbia….Saw a huge groundhog running along the side of the road in the bicycle lane today. Insane!

  6. Little Bat

    Sounds like Diane Mayr’s Little Bat’s Halloween, when the bat flies down in the library to listen and see the books at storyhour. Ha!
    We are dealing with field mice, out in Hillsdale NY. So tiny, but I imagine them climbing on my face in the middle of the night. I’m here for a week, and getting used to all the critters. Not like my MA suburbia….Saw a huge groundhog running along the side of the road in the bicycle lane today. Insane!

  7. bat

    I think the story sounded just as funny on the journal as it probably was in person. I too would have been under the desk. I like the idea of the baskets around the house. You could market your own unique brand, you know authors could always use the extra money (ha ha).

  8. bat

    I think the story sounded just as funny on the journal as it probably was in person. I too would have been under the desk. I like the idea of the baskets around the house. You could market your own unique brand, you know authors could always use the extra money (ha ha).

  9. bat

    I think the story sounded just as funny on the journal as it probably was in person. I too would have been under the desk. I like the idea of the baskets around the house. You could market your own unique brand, you know authors could always use the extra money (ha ha).

  10. Ha, how funny! Your son’s enthusiasm for bow and arrow reminded me of a similarly farcical encounter with a very rambunctious mouse in a 200-year-old dorm building, and a roommate dating an NYPD officer became so panicked she started screaming for him to get his gun and shoot around at it, which clearly would have been quite a helpful scene. Instead, the baffled uniformed policeman decided to chase it around with an umbrella. The mouse won and I named him Rusty.

  11. Ha, how funny! Your son’s enthusiasm for bow and arrow reminded me of a similarly farcical encounter with a very rambunctious mouse in a 200-year-old dorm building, and a roommate dating an NYPD officer became so panicked she started screaming for him to get his gun and shoot around at it, which clearly would have been quite a helpful scene. Instead, the baffled uniformed policeman decided to chase it around with an umbrella. The mouse won and I named him Rusty.

  12. Ha, how funny! Your son’s enthusiasm for bow and arrow reminded me of a similarly farcical encounter with a very rambunctious mouse in a 200-year-old dorm building, and a roommate dating an NYPD officer became so panicked she started screaming for him to get his gun and shoot around at it, which clearly would have been quite a helpful scene. Instead, the baffled uniformed policeman decided to chase it around with an umbrella. The mouse won and I named him Rusty.

  13. A few years ago, I was a moody teenager and I spent all my time in the safety of my own room. One night, around 9:30 (must be prime bat time) I heard my parents screaming and laughing in the living room. I thought “oh jeez, now what?” And walked out there. There was a bat flying around the living room. My dad got a broom and tried to hit it, batter style. Then he decided a rolled up newspaper would work better. He finally managed to hit it, and it flew through the kitchen and landed on the counter. My mother approached the giant beast with newspapers, and threw the bat outside. We calmed down, and decided to go see if the poor thing was alive. I grabbed a corner of the balled up newspaper and the bat, which was apparently still alive, flew at my face, and then off into the night. So! I understand you’re need to take up safety under the desk.

  14. A few years ago, I was a moody teenager and I spent all my time in the safety of my own room. One night, around 9:30 (must be prime bat time) I heard my parents screaming and laughing in the living room. I thought “oh jeez, now what?” And walked out there. There was a bat flying around the living room. My dad got a broom and tried to hit it, batter style. Then he decided a rolled up newspaper would work better. He finally managed to hit it, and it flew through the kitchen and landed on the counter. My mother approached the giant beast with newspapers, and threw the bat outside. We calmed down, and decided to go see if the poor thing was alive. I grabbed a corner of the balled up newspaper and the bat, which was apparently still alive, flew at my face, and then off into the night. So! I understand you’re need to take up safety under the desk.

  15. A few years ago, I was a moody teenager and I spent all my time in the safety of my own room. One night, around 9:30 (must be prime bat time) I heard my parents screaming and laughing in the living room. I thought “oh jeez, now what?” And walked out there. There was a bat flying around the living room. My dad got a broom and tried to hit it, batter style. Then he decided a rolled up newspaper would work better. He finally managed to hit it, and it flew through the kitchen and landed on the counter. My mother approached the giant beast with newspapers, and threw the bat outside. We calmed down, and decided to go see if the poor thing was alive. I grabbed a corner of the balled up newspaper and the bat, which was apparently still alive, flew at my face, and then off into the night. So! I understand you’re need to take up safety under the desk.

  16. Oh you poor thing! Bats are good creatures and I love them, but like you, I prefer them OUTDOORS. I wish you had pictures to share of your bat adventure! 🙂 Thanks for the chuckles this early morning.

  17. Oh you poor thing! Bats are good creatures and I love them, but like you, I prefer them OUTDOORS. I wish you had pictures to share of your bat adventure! 🙂 Thanks for the chuckles this early morning.

    1. haha aww poor bat! I love bats(Unless there attacking me or sucking my blood)
      Many ages ago(a year and half) I used to go to this stable. Whenever we were walking through the ring these baby bats would fall from the ceiling. It was really strange walking around and then suddenly these pink,shrieking, things would land in front of you( Or in my case my head ) All the cause of bad parenting I suppose.

      1. How did the horses react to that? Not well I would guess. How did you react to a bat landing on your head? Ahh…I would have jumped off the horse and ran away screaming. Because I do smart things like that.

  18. Oh you poor thing! Bats are good creatures and I love them, but like you, I prefer them OUTDOORS. I wish you had pictures to share of your bat adventure! 🙂 Thanks for the chuckles this early morning.

  19. haha aww poor bat! I love bats(Unless there attacking me or sucking my blood)
    Many ages ago(a year and half) I used to go to this stable. Whenever we were walking through the ring these baby bats would fall from the ceiling. It was really strange walking around and then suddenly these pink,shrieking, things would land in front of you( Or in my case my head ) All the cause of bad parenting I suppose.

  20. haha aww poor bat! I love bats(Unless there attacking me or sucking my blood)
    Many ages ago(a year and half) I used to go to this stable. Whenever we were walking through the ring these baby bats would fall from the ceiling. It was really strange walking around and then suddenly these pink,shrieking, things would land in front of you( Or in my case my head ) All the cause of bad parenting I suppose.

  21. Sprinkles, whipped cream, skunks and bats…

    Once a bat flew into our dining room while we were eating dessert. I tried to catch it with a fish net. It didn’t work.
    We’ve also have problems with skunks entering our out-door shower. Mostly while we’re in it. I think our shower needs an insurance policy. Maybe I should try wearing a wicker basket in the shower, except when shampooing, of course.
    Your story made me laugh. A lot. So I wrote a poem(with no ryme scheme… but we can just pretend) losely based on it. I guess my computer won’t let me put it in here, so you’ll just have to go to my link if you want to read it.

  22. Sprinkles, whipped cream, skunks and bats…

    Once a bat flew into our dining room while we were eating dessert. I tried to catch it with a fish net. It didn’t work.
    We’ve also have problems with skunks entering our out-door shower. Mostly while we’re in it. I think our shower needs an insurance policy. Maybe I should try wearing a wicker basket in the shower, except when shampooing, of course.
    Your story made me laugh. A lot. So I wrote a poem(with no ryme scheme… but we can just pretend) losely based on it. I guess my computer won’t let me put it in here, so you’ll just have to go to my link if you want to read it.

  23. Sprinkles, whipped cream, skunks and bats…

    Once a bat flew into our dining room while we were eating dessert. I tried to catch it with a fish net. It didn’t work.
    We’ve also have problems with skunks entering our out-door shower. Mostly while we’re in it. I think our shower needs an insurance policy. Maybe I should try wearing a wicker basket in the shower, except when shampooing, of course.
    Your story made me laugh. A lot. So I wrote a poem(with no ryme scheme… but we can just pretend) losely based on it. I guess my computer won’t let me put it in here, so you’ll just have to go to my link if you want to read it.

  24. How did the horses react to that? Not well I would guess. How did you react to a bat landing on your head? Ahh…I would have jumped off the horse and ran away screaming. Because I do smart things like that.

  25. How did the horses react to that? Not well I would guess. How did you react to a bat landing on your head? Ahh…I would have jumped off the horse and ran away screaming. Because I do smart things like that.

  26. I *so* know how you feel. This past winter we had a bat swoop into our living room and divebomb Scott’s head. He screamed and rushed into the bedroom to wake me up and deal with it (gotta love guys!) We ended up getting it outside by capturing it in a coat, but my heart was pounding the whole time.

    My only question was, “how did it get in??” We live in a suburb of Boston, it was winter and all our doors/windows were closed. I’m still worried that we have a bat apartment complex in our attic!

  27. I *so* know how you feel. This past winter we had a bat swoop into our living room and divebomb Scott’s head. He screamed and rushed into the bedroom to wake me up and deal with it (gotta love guys!) We ended up getting it outside by capturing it in a coat, but my heart was pounding the whole time.

    My only question was, “how did it get in??” We live in a suburb of Boston, it was winter and all our doors/windows were closed. I’m still worried that we have a bat apartment complex in our attic!

  28. I *so* know how you feel. This past winter we had a bat swoop into our living room and divebomb Scott’s head. He screamed and rushed into the bedroom to wake me up and deal with it (gotta love guys!) We ended up getting it outside by capturing it in a coat, but my heart was pounding the whole time.

    My only question was, “how did it get in??” We live in a suburb of Boston, it was winter and all our doors/windows were closed. I’m still worried that we have a bat apartment complex in our attic!

Comments are closed.